Laughing Heartily at the Dallas Cowboys

As a pundit of some esteem… one that exudes professionalism, tact, reason and accountability (you’ve all seen it, stop lying)… I’m well aware of my duty towards impartiality.

Screw that.

For as much as I’m all those things, I’m also a fan. And with fandom comes anti-fandom. The disdain of other clubs, whether it be because they rival your favorite teams, or whatever. Like fandom, there doesn’t have to be a real reason for anti-fandom. Your dislike of their old coach’s jacket could grow into a contempt so seething you hope they get disbanded. Your loathing of their stupid nickname could develop to the point that you revel in all of their losses. It’s as strong as fandom, if not slightly more deranged.

I am an anti-fan.

Of whom? Let’s see… there are the easy teams to root against… the Lakers, the Yankees, Real Madrid, Duke basketball… teams that have it so easy… thanks mostly to tradition and money… that I hope someday they have to suffer through what any normal fan does. There are the rival teams… Birmingham City, the Packers, the Bears, the Vikings, the Mets, the Sooners, the Aggies, the Mavericks… teams that have tormented my favorite teams for so many years I’ve developed quite the distaste for their uniforms, let alone their players.

Then there’s a special case, the Dallas Cowboys.

In the NFL, everyone hates their rival teams, then everyone hates the Dallas Cowboys. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s that whole “America’s Team” thing. The gall to dub yourself “America’s Team” when you’re from the only state that can legally secede from the union is beyond arrogant. And that they pulled it off? Even more irritating. Maybe it’s Jerry Jones and his fake face, the man who wants to do away with revenue sharing and turn the NFL into MLB/English Premier League, where only a few teams have a realistic shot of winning every year. Maybe it’s the leg up they have on most teams from an advertising/money standpoint. Maybe it’s that silly stadium. Who knows, really? But I hate the Dallas Cowboys, and so does most of America (unless they love them… there’s lots of those too… posers).

Which is why I’m so in love with the 2010 NFL season. If I could make sweet love to it, I would.

The Cowboys are having a calamitous, hilarious, awesome start to the year. And it couldn’t have set up any better. Before the season started, they were the favorites in the NFC to reach the Super Bowl… to be played at their home stadium, Jerry World. I couldn’t think of a more disgusting scenario. And they’re undoubtedly bursting with talented-players… from DeMarcus Ware, to Terence Newman, to Tony Romo, to Miles Austin, to Jay Ratliff, to Anthony Spencer, to Felix Jones, to Jason Witten, to first round draft pick, Dez Bryant.

And they’re 1-5. And their QB, Tony Romo, just broke his collarbone last night. And they’ve clearly, clearly given up on their season (and if you don’t believe me, just watch their effort on that Brandon Jacobs TD run last night… pathetic). Now, I don’t revel in injuries to other teams. I’m not that sadistic… and I actually like Romo and think he can be successful in this league. What I do like is “America’s Team” being helmed by Jon Kitna. It tickles me, I’ll admit. Watching Kitna throw to Roy Williams last night I realized, this version of the Cowboys is Detroit Lions redux, circa 2006. That’s what Cowboys fans get this season?

Couldn’t happen to a better group of people.

So, now for my sagely punditry. How did they get to this point? How could a team predicted to make the Super Bowl fall so far, so fast? Well, I’ve decided to sum it up in five words:

Wade Phillips, and Jerry Jones.

Wade Phillips is a catastrophe as a coach. He’s proven it everywhere he’s been. Oh sure, he’ll make the playoffs from time to time, and his teams will beat some good teams now and again… but it’s not the mark of his coaching. It’s the mark of him being a likable guy, and falling into good situations with talented teams. You give a good coach… say, a Mike Shanahan, or a Bill Cowher… this team Phillips is coaching right now, and they’re not only winning, they’ve got the inside track to the Super Bowl. So everyone’s blinded by Phillips ability to win with a team that should win, even though Jones himself could probably coach them to that point.

But when his teams struggle, that’s when the real coach shows through. Stammering, lost for words, a bit overwhelmed. He succeeds in looking very much like an old man you kind of feel sorry for (even though he makes millions of dollars). He has no answer for the savants of today’s game. In general, he just can’t keep up.

And yet, he still has a job. In any other field… hell, even in his own field… he’s have been fired by now for this kind of performance. Rarely do employees doing such poor jobs get to keep doing them. And yet, there he is, stuttering his way through another press conference. What gives?

Jerry Jones, that’s what.

So determined is Jones for a yes man, especially after the Parcells experiment, he’ll keep him around if there’s even a shred of a chance to turn things around. And as is often the case with things you so desperately want to be true, you start to see things that aren’t there. A little progress on that punt return. That third-string safety showed good effort. Hey, a completed pass! We could turn this thing around yet!

The truth is, he likes Phillips’ main strength… the one that keeps getting him jobs (and keeps him in them)… he’s extremely likable. He likes him cause he’s easy to like. It’s hilariously circuitous.

Jerry, I’d like to take this moment to introduce you to three-time Super Bowl winning coach, mega-dick, would cut his own kid if he missed a block, and widely respected coach, Bill Belichick.

You don’t win with likable guys.

OK, I take that back somewhat. From everything I’ve read, Tony Dungy’s a nice guy (though I’m not 100% on that), but he merely took advantage of circumstance. Namely, he had Peyton Manning as his QB. And still, STILL, he only won one Super Bowl.

Meanwhile dicks like Belichick, and Cowher, and Parcells, and Shanahan, and Sean Payton keep winning.

But oh, you tried that once, with Parcells. Didn’t like him, did you? Wanted too much control, didn’t he? Never really got it, did he?

Of course not, this is you we’re talking about. You’d no more cede control than you would avoid touching up that sagging skin flap. The illusion of control… sure, you’re all about giving that up. But actual control? Please.

So Cowboys fans, this is what you’ve got. And I love it. I love every minute of it. And so does most of America, besides those that fell for that “America’s Team” crap. Frankly, I hope you finish the season 1-15, whiff on the first pick of the draft, and find yourselves mired in this funk for years. I hope the fans stop coming and Jerry World falls into disrepair. I hope “Dallas Cowboys” becomes synonymous with “Lovable Losers”, or “how not to run a franchise”. I hope the advertising dollars stop coming. I hope the whole thing implodes.

A man can dream, can’t he?

And even if it doesn’t… even if Jones pulls his head from his stretched and stapled ass and hires himself a real coach and things turn around… well, I’ve always got one thing to fall back on…

I’ve got this season. This wonderful, wonderful season.