Somewhere, in the secret recesses of an ominous structure lined with symbols of an ancient order of luminaries, lies a cavernous, gold-encrusted office, stocked with Cuban cigars, decanters of the finest scotch and Thai hookers. Probably somewhere deep in the heart of Texas. In this office over the last few months, men of utter power conspired to ruin college sports. We’ll call these guys group A… or, the Mongooses. That’s a cool team name.
Somewhere else, in the hidden chasms of a menacing building lined with very similar symbols of an ancient order of dignitaries, lies a vast, gold-enveloped office, stocked with Bedouin hookahs, bottles of the finest wine and Malaysian call girls. Probably somewhere in New York, New York. In this office over the last few months, men of total authority who conspired to ruin college sports in the first place, plotted to keep it that way. We’ll call these guys group B… or, the Griffins. That’s a cool team name.
And so it went. The Mongooses struck some mighty blows and took an early lead, only to be thwarted at the death by the Griffins. College sports, as we know them, were saved. At the press conference following their victory, the Griffins would assert that it was a victory for everyone, from the “little guy” to traditionalists to the sporting world at large. Oh, right… and the one group of people this was all supposed to be about… the students.
So all was right in the world. The all-powerful force of evil had defeated the all-powerful force of slightly-more-evil. The rain ceased. The storm clouds broke. Birds chirped a little louder and with more purpose. And everyone was spared a duel with the one thing they most feared… change. The way it was is the way it is. Status quote me.
Yeah right.
The arms race, heretofore a series of skirmishes on the outskirts of town, is about to explode into all out war. It’s about to go thermonuclear.
We were all caught off-guard by the ascension of the possibility of the super conference. Fans, writers (what’s that you say? Except Ed Honcho? Well I’ll be…), sports networks, even… and especially… the universities themselves (save some of the major players). A few months ago, the Big and Pac 10 were looking to add a couple of teams to get to 12. Before you knew it, the Pac 10 was swallowing half of the Big 12, the SEC was faced with the prospect of being forced to expand, and Notre Dame… Notre Dame!… was strongly entertaining the idea of joining a conference. In the words of Rush Limbaugh… “Holy fucking shit! Where are my pills?!”
Scrambling commenced. Schools left out of the first round of shake-ups got a quick facelift and nosejob, caked on the makeup, traded in their tame midwestern attire for a leather bustier and some crotchless panties, and spread rumors of their own promiscuity (you don’t even have to buy us a drink!). Conferences who wooed the hot girl slowly and respectfully… only to find out the dick with the cool car and bad boy image snatched her out from under them… got their own bitchin’ ride, leather jacket and took up smoking (Hey baby, check me out now!). And the networks… only a part of the group cause they bought their social status by giving the cool kids drugs, were petrified of losing it.
And then, just like that, it ended. The networks offered more drugs. The hot girl decided she liked being wooed better than being tied down. The conferences remembered that smoking gives you cancer, and the leather jackets chafed. The schools left out returned to their midwestern values and toned it down.
But now, everyone knows where they stand. And everyone knows what’s coming.
Everyone will play nice for a couple of years while they get their own houses in order. Then the first warning shots will be fired… a team somewhere, probably in the Big 12 or the Big East, will be turned in by an “anonymous” source for a rules violation of some sort. Shortly after that, another will be turned in. Recruiting tales will begin to trickle out concerning what one school said about another. More severe rumors of teams awarding recruits with money will surface. And before we know it, spies will be planted in rival athletic departments, teams will be framed for wrongdoing, fans will be at each others throats (possibly violently), and the conference will be deemed unsustainable.
The Big 12 is ripe for this kind of thing. Already on shaky ground with their uneven revenue sharing plan, things will be tense amongst the haves and the have-nots. Texas, Oklahoma and Texas A&M are set. No matter what happens, those three will land on their feet. The rest of the schools are in a more precarious position. This time, Oklahoma State and Texas Tech were the haves. You can bet your ass that the rest of the teams in the Big 12 will be trying to catch up to them, either by elevating themselves, or bringing OSU and Tech down. The infighting and backstabbing will be something to behold. If you thought the rules were pushed to their limits before, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
The same holds true for the Big East. At some point, the Big 10’s going to expand. Aside from Notre Dame and possibly Missouri and Maryland, Big East schools look the most likely bet. But which ones? Let the arms race commence as schools in the Big East jockey for position.
The same could be said of the ACC. If the SEC expands, schools from the ACC (and the Big 12) are likely targets. Some schools like the ACC just fine (most of North Carolina). But that leaves seven teams for, possibly, as few as one spot. So begins the process of beautification (or the uglification of others).
Yep. The rules are going to be stretched to their limits. Teams will lie, steal and cheat their way to the top of the pecking order. Chaos will reign. This time, the super conference was sprung as a surprise. Next time, it won’t be. Schools and legislatures will be ready for it.
Ed Honcho 