Frequently Given Answers, Jan. 15, 2010

Has it really been two weeks since our last mailbag? Really? Good for me then, that I have the perfect excuse armed and ready to fire at my detractors… I, uh, I’ve been on assignment, deep in the jungles of the Congo. I can’t say why, just know that some of your lives might have been at stake, until my swift and expert intervention. As for the daily posts that have appeared here, that was my doppelganger, Ned Honcho. With all of the demands on my time, it was necessary to hire, mentor and unleash a surrogate to carry out lesser commitments in my stead. I can’t be two places at once, people, let alone twelve, as is typical.

But I’m back, and I see you’ve missed my skillful guidance. Let me alleviate the pain…

Q: Bungles in the Super Bowl? HA! Justify yourself.

– Asher Kimble, Old Tappan, New Jersey

A: I’ll admit, my choice of Cincinnati to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl looks foolish in hindsight. But was it really? Let’s dig a little deeper. Carson Palmer, he of the egg-laying, went to USC. So did Mark Sanchez. Coincidence? I think not. Shonn Greene, he of the 135 yards and a touchdown, plays for Gang Green, and adds an extra “e” to his last name. An extra “e”. You see where I’m going with this? Brash Jets coach Rex Ryan was born in Ardmore, Oklahoma. ARDMORE! If the conspiracy isn’t clear by now, it’ll never be, but the Jets were clearly gifted this game.

Q: Does Mark McGwire’s admission of steroid use help him going forward? Hurt him?

– Marjorie Bartram, El Sobrante, CA

A: In the long run, neither. How’s that for non-committal, Marjorie? Look, everyone’s known he used steroids since his biceps began to have their own gravity, and if you didn’t, well, it can only be for one of two reasons: 1) you’re in denial, or 2) you’re extremely gullible, in which case, I’ve recently been named a prince in Nigeria, but my money’s tied up in a bank. If I could borrow a small sum of money, I’ll be able to pay you back ten-fold in mere lifetimes. What’d’ya say?

Q: Did you hear where the NHL might pull their pros out of the Olympics after this year’s affair? Won’t that set Olympic hockey back years?

– Hoyt Moxley, Fort Frances, Ontario

A: Let me ask you something, Hoyt? How far back can it go? I think you’re overestimating the impact, just like the NHL-types misjudged the impact that allowing their pros to play would have on their league. And this isn’t an attack on the popularity of the NHL, more the Olympics. I think the universal reaction to NBA players being pulled from the Olympics would be a loud, resounding “meh”. Now, I understand, as a Canadian, that hockey courses through the maple syrup that runs through your veins, and thus, holds more importance. But it can’t hold more importance than, you know, keeping teams in your country, and that hasn’t happened (see Jets, Winnipeg and Nordiques, Quebec), so yeah, this is probably gonna happen, and there’s not much you can do about it. The NHL! Screwing Canadians since the early 1990’s!

Q: Rafa Out!…. right?

– Gareth Applebottom, Prenton, Merseyside, England

A: I’d hate to be a manager at the highest levels of European football. All Rafa Benitez has done at Liverpool is win the Champions League (and reach the final another time) and finish in the top 4 year after year after year. Ah, but there’s the rub. Finishing in the top 4 qualifies you for the Champions League, which guarantees a team oodles of cash (that’s right, oodles!). Failure to finish in the top 4, a fate which threatens Liverpool this season, means unpaid wages, sale of players, the inability to buy new players… it’s a disaster. You might say Liverpool was foolish for relying on the Champions League payout as part of their operating budget… you’d be right. But every team that regularly finishes in the top 4 does it (in England, that’s Liverpool, Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal), and they do, in fact, make it almost every season. Alas, as Rafa is discovering this season, if you don’t make it… well, you better keep that resume’ at the ready.

Q: Interesting… I work in Special Ops, and by my information, there was nothing scheduled for the Congo recently.

– Name Withheld, Washington, DC

A: Well, your Ops aren’t special enough. This was super-secret stuff. It was strictly need to know, and only by a select few. Clearly, and I’m sorry, you weren’t one of them.

Q: Uh-huh, and it says here, according to my information, that you’ve been warned for harassing certain agencies, claiming to be an expert in many fields and disciplines, which can only… “help us out.” Shall I go on?

– Name Withheld, Washington, DC

A: What? That’s ridiculous… Harassing? Oh, that’s a good one. I’m laughing good now… physically heaving… you can’t see it, but trust me, it’s happening. Smithers, how are these questions clearing the vetting process? Vet, damn you, vet! Clearly this “name withheld” is a foreign no-goodnik, sent to sully my name. Don’t pay any attention to him, dear readers. Oh, and since things are getting a little dicey, and maybe I need to lay low for a little while, this mailbag’s over, yo.